Hearthpwn

A recent interview with blizzard has revealed the insight and direction Ben Brode and the rest of Team 5 hopes to take with Hearthstone's newest adventure: One Night in Karazhan.

Interviewer: So Ben Brode, what can you tell us about this adventure?

Ben Brode: Well, we here at Blizzard have always been firm believers that it's not the cards that matter, but the fun you can in the adventure itself. In order to show that, we've decided to make the cards so bad that the only thing the players can enjoy is defeating the bosses. This way, players can have a fun time killing bad guys instead of worrying about which class will come out on top.

I: What exactly are the bosses like?

BB: Originally, we were going to have a boss that had a control priest archetype deck, but after deciding that it was far too easy to beat, we changed it to [redacted].

I: So can you tell us any other details about this expansion?

BB: *Laughs* No, if we say any more, the entire fanbase will likely kick and scream because the adventure is "a waste of money." Like they've never wasted money on hearthstone before.

I: Okay, well, it's no secret that priest is the weakest hero in the meta right now, any comments on that?

BB: Well, I'm sure everyone remembers how shitty Shaman was last year. We released TGT in hopes that the incredibly hyped up cards would breathe new life into Shaman. Unfortunately, Shaman was just too bad. Even repeatedly chanting "I do believe in shamans" didn't work. In fact, Shaman was so bad it took a damn 4 mana 7/7 to make the class any good. A 4 mana 7/7! Boy was that a shit storm. In the end, we decided that no matter how bad a class was, we shouldn't bother fixing it since it will just fuck more things up than it fixed.

I: That may be true, but isn't there only so far in the garbage you can push a card? I'm talking about Purify of course. Couldn't that card have been a little better?

BB: Ok so here's the story. My best friend (who is not affiliated with Blizzard entertainment in any way, shape or form) bet me 100 bucks that I couldn't make a card worse than convert. Boy did I show him.

I: What did you spend the $100 on?

BB: Strippers and beer. Man you should have seen them; they were hotter than Master of Ceremonies.

I: But what does this mean for Priest in the future?

BB: You know, Priest is so bad right now, we might as well just scrap the class and release something cooler, like Demon Hunter or Death knight.

I: But what about all of the Competitive priest players?

BB: They're just getting what they deserve. Remember when priest was a top tier class? Well I do, and let me tell you, it was absolutely no fun to watch other people play against them. We're talking about 20 minute games. Who has time for that?

I: You said that you "watched other people play against them?" Don't you mean watching Team 5 play against them?

BB: *Laughs* Isn't it apparent right now? After the whole fuck up with the joust mechanic and the almost infinite list of over-nerfs, I thought everyone realized that Team 5 doesn't actually play this game. You think we would make Warsong commander that bad, or wait 6 months before nerfing undertaker if we actually played this game?

I: Well, best of luck with the Future of Hearthstone Ben. I see a very bright future ahead of you.

BB: Of course it's bright. With all the shiny cash players are throwing at us, how could it not be bright?

 

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  Ben Brode's Guide to 4 Murders in 7 Nights (Rated 7/7).

  Interviewer: So, Ben Brode! We just saw the reveal of Hearthstone's latest adventure called One Night in Karazhan, I'm sure we'd all like to know how you came up with the idea behind it and its cards.

  Ben Brode: Well, we were struggling a bit, in the beginning. We knew from the moment we started working on Hearthstone, that we would at some point need to do a Karazhan expansion, but what would be the theme, the cards, the atmosphere? These were questions that needed to be answered. *Laughs* Of course, we could just go with the normal route that everyone wants, stay true to the feel and vibe that was in World of Warcraft, but my heart said no. So, one night, I took a shit-load of Adderall, and partied all night at a night club, by the morning I had such horrible visions that I knew, these visions needed to be transfered to our loving fanbase. Long story short, I'm now a drug addict, and One Night in Karazhan is Hearthstone's newest adventure.

  Interviewer: Quite fascinating! I never knew you were this messed up!

  Ben Brode: That's what drugs do to you, Charlie.

  Interviewer: My name is Adam.

   Ben Brode: You're Charlie now, bitch.

  Interviewer: Anyway, tell us more about the new Priest card "Purify". What were you thinking when making it --- or rather, what drugs were you on, then?

  Ben Brode:  Just my regular cup of joe, nothing special. This card was actually made to laugh at the community, and as you know I love laughing. *Laughs* You see, Shamans were shit-tier for a very long time, and then we gave them a 4 Mana 7/7 and now they're top tier, or as I like to call it, Drug-Tier. *Laughs loudly* So, we thought, 4 Mana 7/7s are pretty good, but the community hated it. We gave them everything, yet they rejected it all and wanted nothing. I knew, they needed to be dealt with. They needed to be given something that they would regret forever. They made jokes that the new Priest card would be a 4 Mana 7/7, because that's all I can do... and guess what you little bitches... that's exactly what I gave them. Do you know what happens when you use Eerie Statue with Purify? YOU GET A 4 MANA 7/7! A FOUR MANA FUCKING SEVEN-SEVEN! *LAUGHS MANICALLY*

  Interviewer: You are insane, get away from me!

  Ben Brode: Oh, but the party's just getting started. Stay a bit longer, we have a feast like you've never seen before.

  Interviewer: SOMEONE HELP ME. *Attempts to run away*

  Ben Brode: *Pulls out a 7 Inch long knife with the number 4 in-crested upon it and stabs the interviewer*. *Ben Brode hums to himself* : This is a place of funky magical phenomenon. Anything goes... anything goes... for One Night... in Karazhaaan. Tutu tutu tututu tu tu tu tu tutututu too.