That's right for the third year in the row I'm making my own Patch notes, with Blackjack and things in a rated T game. (Hope you guys enjoy. This is satire poking fun at Blizzard, sorry it's coming out so late, I had this planned to go up this morning but got busy. Just a way for me to make some silly jokes at the games expense in the spirit of the WoW notes. )
With the Year of the Mammoth coming to a close we have decided to show you a super special preview of the things to come and reminisce on things that have passed. Many new sets were added this year and they were all a smashing success.
But first an announcement. Due to an unrelated Candy Crush incident at a hot tub party with EA executives we've now been signed over to EA. As a result all packs offers will see a one dollar mark up. (For now.)
New Features:
The Hearthstone team has been working hard watching people buy packs and Blizzards revenue continuing to go up quarter from quarter. Sometimes they also do work! Here's what they did during those periods.
MYTHIC DUNGEON RUNS!
That's right, the age old right of passage for Blizzard, taking something that works somewhere else and putting it into our game. We here at Blizzard Entertainment have a long tradition of taking things and making them awesome in our own way.
Mythic Dungeon Runs were a big hit in World of Warcraft. At the end of a mythic dungeon run you can get a keystone for another class and that will have special effects on it and make everything harder. Here are some previews of Keywords,
AFK: Your minions can't attack.
Out of Mana(OOM): You only have 2 mana crystals for the entire game.
Tiny Hands: You can only carry 5 cards.
HEARTHSTONE ALLIED HEROES!
These heroes aren't different enough to be their own heroes so instead you need to spend a long time to unlock them. Ideally 450 Arena Wins per class. Better get to work! Here are some of our ideas, more will be revealed later on.
Anduin: Child Anduin Wrynn. Relive some of his worst moments of losing his father and being named king despite being ten years old with that kooky uncle as reagent.
Jaina: After the Theramore Mana Bomb and return to Kul'Tiras! At least she's stable now. (Hopefully.)
Garrosh: Dead. What can Thrall say except your welcome!
General Changes:
Have you ever noticed those skulls that are around a lot of the boards that do nothing? Yeah, those are going to finally to do something. They will eat all your milled cards. Good thing Coldlight Rhetorical is moving to the wild to be persevered as part of the natural wildlife.
The announcer will be EVEN MORE ENTHUSIASTIC when you open a golden common. He will personally send a letter to you in honor of your Golden Leper Gnome you got from your tavern brawl pack.
Murlocs will sing the Cheers Theme Song every time you log in, and it will play no matter what your sound settings are. If you take off your headphones we'll beam it into your brain. We can do that. Did you know we could? Because we can! We promise this technology won't be used to entice you to buy two hearthstone card packs at the low, low price of only 3.99. What a steal! And what's this with the new expansion coming around we're GIVING AWAY 70 PACKS for a mere 50.99. Crazy. That Ben Brode guy sure knows how to make deals.
Tavern Brawl Changes:
Tavern Brawl renamed to Tavern Bawl after all the whining some of the patrons do. We get it, but Patron Warrior was nerfed years ago, you need to move on dwarves.
Moving Into the Hall of Fame:
Before we move onto Class Cards we must shoot a canon for each card lost this rotational season. It's the one we took from Patches.
Ice Block: He never attac, he always protecc, but now he not in your decc.
Coldlight Rhetorical: Always drew two cards after asking, seems to us the question was never legitimate.
Molten Giant: RNGESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! ARE WE UNNERFING A CARD!? CODE ALPHA NINETY NINER WE ARE ON DEF-CON 2 PEOPLE! CUDDLE YOUR PACHIMARI PLUSHIES AND NEVER LET THEM GO!
Class Cards: Wait until the end of each class for a super special sneak peak at something coming in the future for each class.
Druid:
Earthen Scales- Don't let Tyrande step on this one Malfurion or you'll never hear the end of it.
Tortollan Forager- BeEtTlE BeRrIeS.
Elder Longneck- Takes care of Littlefoot with Grandma.
Evolving Spores- Now that game doesn't suck as much.
Giant Anaconda- Voted off the island for being a snake.
Gnash- First Bash, now Gnash, I hope we don't get a Rash.
Fatespinner- He pins your fates on a board so you never lose sight of your future.
Webweave- Did we really print this garbage? I mean, Uh, COOL CARD AM I RIGHT!
Spreading Plague- Well, someone has to do it and we don't have any death knight classes, why not Malfurion.
Hadronox- It's a Hadronox life for us! *And for him because this card doesn't really work just yet.*
Ultimate Infestation- How to win at Hearthstone, details inside.
Greedy Sprite- Joins the Hoard gang formed by Loot Hoarder and Hogger.
Oaken Summons- When Treebeard showed up he realized his mistake.
Please spend 2 dollars to unlock more patch notes!
Hunter:
The Marsh Queen- Doesn't win you any games but it does make a pro rope each time it is played.
Dinomancy- It's like necromancy but with dinosaurs and who doesn't love dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs, ignore the lizard person standing over my shoulder he's harmless.
Crackling Razormaw - His back hurts from carrying hunter for three expansions. He's really looking forward to that retirement plan in the wild.
SWAMP KING DRED- HE IS THE LAAAW!
Play Dead- Who's a good Arfus, you are!
Toxic Arrow- Removed from the campaign to make our forums more friendly.
Bearshark- A group of thirty or more bearsharks is called a bearsharknado.
Corpse Widow- Did...it marry a corpse? Or is it a corpse and is the widow? Some things are better left unanswered.
Deathstalker Rexxar- Given a restraining order by Death. Must stay 500 feet away from then at all costs.
Abomnidable Bowman- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Candleshot- Removed for being a fire hazard.
To My Side! But only two of you.
Crushing Walls- Intern tested, Ben Brode Approved.
MAGE:
Open the Waygate- 200% more chance to cause drowning to unexpected magi everywhere.
Primordial Glyph- We heard you liked RNG bro so we added RNG into your RNG and printed more RNG Cards on top of that.
Mana Bind- Removed for not being nearly as effective as binding mana as we hoped.
Meteor- MAGES CAN SUMMON A METEOR! WHY DOES THIS CLASS GET ALL THE COOL THING!
Breath of Sindragosa- It's better left unknown as to how we acquired this one.
Frozen Clone- Knights of the Frozen Clone was the unaired World of Warcraft and Star Wars crossover produced in 2004. It stared Arthas rap battling Darth Vader.
Glacial Mysteries- The only mystery about this card is why it was printed.
Sindragosa- A bit short on breath.
Frost Lich Jaina- I can neither confirm nor deny this is where she's headed in World of Warcraft.
Shifting Scroll- Moved a little to the left.
Leyline Manipulator - Removed and arrested for embezzling mana.
Aluneth- We took a powerful sorcerer, locked them in a staff and then turned them into Jeeves.
Paladin:
Lost In the Jungle: Actually is just about two dudes looking for their car.
The Last Kaleidosaur: If it's the last Kaleidosaur why can everyone get a copy of this card and play it? Maybe it's called that because only one person on ladder is playing buff paladin at any time.
Primalfin Champion- Not Primal, was just hit on the head.
Sunkeeper Tarim- Removed because he didn't keep the suns away enough and we got sunburned. All of us except Brode who wears flannel to protect himself from the suns deadly lazers.
Vinecleaver- It looks more like a club than a sword. How does it cleave vines?
Desperate Stand- Really, call it what it is, a one knight stand.
Uther of The Ebon Blade- Replaced because of the successful campaign to stop the Death Knights from raising him from his grave.
Drygulch Jailor- How many 1/1s can a 1/1 made. A lot apparently.
Benevolent Djinn- You found a genie and all you did was waste that wish on less than a priests 1 mana spell. For shame Paladin, for Shame.
Level up! Isn't this what happened at the end of that movie where dudes looked for their car.
Val'Anyr- Changed to require you to find all the fragments each time it's destroyed. It might take you a while.
Priest:
Binding Heal- Pretty good contractually.
Crystalline Oracle- He can really see the gems hidden inside your opponents decks.
Shadow Visions- Doesn't let you see anything actually. What did you expect, it's shadows.
Tortollan Shellraiser- Good thing that S is there or this guy would have a lot more spikes and unrelated gore.
Free From Amber- If the last four Un'Goro park movies are anything to go by, you probably don't want to do that.
Acolyte of Agony- Not really that agonizing when you gain life from attacking.
Eternal Servitude- Found a clause which requires you to let them go after your third wish. Wasn't that eternal after all.
Devour Mind- With some fave beans and nice Chianti.
Obsidian Statue- So priceless that destroying it causes one of your opponent's minions to sacrifice themselves in shame when it's destroyed.
Psionic Probe- GOTTA MIND READ FAST!
Twilight's Call- And you never answer them.
Psychic Scream- I'd rather it be Pyschic Ice Cream.
Rogue:
Hallucination- See, this is what happens when you mix your poisons.
Biteweed- Also causes Hallucination.
Mimic Pod- Also causes Hallucination.
Sherazin Corpse Flower- Is this on the corpse Widow?
Doomerang- Because regular boomerangs don't instill fear into anyone except drunk Australians.
Leeching Poison- Not a recommended form of healing since the 1800s.
Plague Scientist- Went out on his own after Malfurion fired him.
Spectral Pillager- She doesn't pillage anyone but your dead relatives.
Valeera the Hollow- Much like those chocolate bunnies, filled with disappointment and empty promises.
Kingsbane- Makes Varian Wrynn very nervous looking when on board.
Cheat Death- All you gotta do is beat him at a board game.
Sudden Betrayal- Is it really a betrayal when it's a rogue. It's in the class name.
Elven Minstrel- Totally not a super secret hint towards a new bard class. Totally.
Please Enter 2 more dollars to continue these patch notes!
Shaman:
Unite the Murlocs- Please. Don't.
Hot Spring Guardian- Oh my god he's so hot right now.
Volcano- I take it back, Meteors are cool but shamans can summon a FREAKING VOLCANO! HOW MUCH COOLER CAN YOU GET THAN THAT!
Brrloc- This is what happens when you leave murlocs lying around outside over night.
Ice Fishing- This is how you get Brrlocs.
Ice Breaker- Helped Thrall get a date from Aggra.
Moorabi- Stop trying to make freeze shaman happen, it's not gonna happen Brode.
Unstable Evolution- Totally not a secret hint towards a Hearthstone Un-set. Totally.
Kobold Hermit- You too can donate only 9.99 a month to give kobolds like these a home.
Grumble, Worldshaker- Really the reason the Cataclysm happened. Deathwing just stole all his mad credit.
Warlock:
Bloodbloom- FEED ME SEYMOUR!
Corrupting Mist- The sole reason for the next expansion.
Tar Lurker- Hired by deathstalker rexxar to sneak up on Death.
Cruel Dinomancer- Cruel because he never calls back the dinos he romances. Made Mark Zuckerberg a very sad person.
Sanguine Reveler- Gives you blood a cool glow in the dark effect.
Gnomeferatu- Still better than the ogre chick you met in the bar last night.
Treachery- Shouldn't this be a rogue card?
Unwilling Sacrifice- Refused to will any of his stuff to anyone else. This is what happens when you let Loot Hoarders run rampant.
Vulgar Homonculus- Had some words he wanted to share with you, but I don't think I'm allowed to say those kind of words.
Cataclysm- If it cost 40 dollars people probably wouldn't have complained as much.
Skull of the Man'ari- WILSOOOOOOON!
Rin, The First Disciple- What is a disc iple anyway?
Voidlord- NEVER TALK TO ME OR MY SONS AGAIN!
Warrior:
Iron Hide- No, I'm not crying. You're crying.
Cornered Sentry- Now more rounded.
Explore Un'Goro- Just don't get lost!
Dead Man's Hand- Just keeps on coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming.
Blood Razor- Keeps cutting itself.
Kobold Barbarian- No stop, don't - *You hear the distant sound of face grating against keyboard.*
Woecleaver- Woah Dude.
Please pay 2 dollars to continue reading these patch notes.
Neutral Cards:
Golakka Crawler: Sufficiently full from eating Patches.
Fire Fly: It will end too shortly.
Ravasaur Runt: Bullied by the other dinosaurs :(
Gentle Megasuar: Except this one!
Stegodon: You only see it after a paladin has been nearby.
Hemet Jungle Hunter: We're not sure how he hunts jungles but we're no going to ask with that big gun waving in our face. Just nod and say "You're doing a great job, Hemet."
Ultrasaur: Daddy Long Legs meet Daddy long neck.
Tainted Zealot: NOBODY EXPECTS THE KAL'DOREI INQUISITION!
Drakkari Enchanter: Your end of turn effects trigger twice. Your End of Turn effects trigger twice.
Mind Breaker: Anduins least favorite card.
Corpsetaker: Just don't take the widow!
Saronite Chain Gang: How Long must this go on.
How long must this go on.
How Long must this go on.
How long must this go on.
Please, pay two dollars to stop them!
Bloodworm: Not very good for your blood actually.
Bonemare: Wakes you up all the time!
The Lich King: The CH Is pronounced like a 'K' actually. He just got stuck up north on a dare from Muradin to stick his tongue to the Frozen Throne.
Scorp-O-Matic: Favorite snack is those pesky Annoy-o-trons. HELLO HELLO, GOODBYE!
Shrieking Shroom: Poor Neville, he's passed out again.
Shimmering Courser: A cool idea you've never seen played. Never.
The Darkness: Now properly countered by priests and Paladins mere existence.
Corridor Creeper: Is now hitting the gym to get buff again. Puts up a poster of Molten Giant for motivation.
King Toggwaggle: Now starring King Togwaggle as King Togwaggle.
Bug Fixes:
Hearthstone has been bug free since we called in the fumigator.
That's right for the third year in the row I'm making my own Patch notes, with Blackjack and things in a rated T game. (Hope you guys enjoy. This is satire poking fun at Blizzard, sorry it's coming out so late, I had this planned to go up this morning but got busy. Just a way for me to make some silly jokes at the games expense in the spirit of the WoW notes. )
With the Year of the Mammoth coming to a close we have decided to show you a super special preview of the things to come and reminisce on things that have passed. Many new sets were added this year and they were all a smashing success.
But first an announcement. Due to an unrelated Candy Crush incident at a hot tub party with EA executives we've now been signed over to EA. As a result all packs offers will see a one dollar mark up. (For now.)
New Features:
The Hearthstone team has been working hard watching people buy packs and Blizzards revenue continuing to go up quarter from quarter. Sometimes they also do work! Here's what they did during those periods.
MYTHIC DUNGEON RUNS!
That's right, the age old right of passage for Blizzard, taking something that works somewhere else and putting it into our game. We here at Blizzard Entertainment have a long tradition of taking things and making them awesome in our own way.
Mythic Dungeon Runs were a big hit in World of Warcraft. At the end of a mythic dungeon run you can get a keystone for another class and that will have special effects on it and make everything harder. Here are some previews of Keywords,
AFK: Your minions can't attack.
Out of Mana(OOM): You only have 2 mana crystals for the entire game.
Tiny Hands: You can only carry 5 cards.
HEARTHSTONE ALLIED HEROES!
These heroes aren't different enough to be their own heroes so instead you need to spend a long time to unlock them. Ideally 450 Arena Wins per class. Better get to work! Here are some of our ideas, more will be revealed later on.
Anduin: Child Anduin Wrynn. Relive some of his worst moments of losing his father and being named king despite being ten years old with that kooky uncle as reagent.
Jaina: After the Theramore Mana Bomb and return to Kul'Tiras! At least she's stable now. (Hopefully.)
Garrosh: Dead. What can Thrall say except your welcome!
General Changes:
Have you ever noticed those skulls that are around a lot of the boards that do nothing? Yeah, those are going to finally to do something. They will eat all your milled cards. Good thing Coldlight Rhetorical is moving to the wild to be persevered as part of the natural wildlife.
The announcer will be EVEN MORE ENTHUSIASTIC when you open a golden common. He will personally send a letter to you in honor of your Golden Leper Gnome you got from your tavern brawl pack.
Murlocs will sing the Cheers Theme Song every time you log in, and it will play no matter what your sound settings are. If you take off your headphones we'll beam it into your brain. We can do that. Did you know we could? Because we can! We promise this technology won't be used to entice you to buy two hearthstone card packs at the low, low price of only 3.99. What a steal! And what's this with the new expansion coming around we're GIVING AWAY 70 PACKS for a mere 50.99. Crazy. That Ben Brode guy sure knows how to make deals.
Tavern Brawl Changes:
Tavern Brawl renamed to Tavern Bawl after all the whining some of the patrons do. We get it, but Patron Warrior was nerfed years ago, you need to move on dwarves.
Moving Into the Hall of Fame:
Before we move onto Class Cards we must shoot a canon for each card lost this rotational season. It's the one we took from Patches.
Ice Block: He never attac, he always protecc, but now he not in your decc.
Coldlight Rhetorical: Always drew two cards after asking, seems to us the question was never legitimate.
Molten Giant: RNGESUS TAKE THE WHEEL! ARE WE UNNERFING A CARD!? CODE ALPHA NINETY NINER WE ARE ON DEF-CON 2 PEOPLE! CUDDLE YOUR PACHIMARI PLUSHIES AND NEVER LET THEM GO!
Class Cards: Wait until the end of each class for a super special sneak peak at something coming in the future for each class.
Druid:
Earthen Scales- Don't let Tyrande step on this one Malfurion or you'll never hear the end of it.
Tortollan Forager- BeEtTlE BeRrIeS.
Elder Longneck- Takes care of Littlefoot with Grandma.
Evolving Spores- Now that game doesn't suck as much.
Giant Anaconda- Voted off the island for being a snake.
Gnash- First Bash, now Gnash, I hope we don't get a Rash.
Fatespinner- He pins your fates on a board so you never lose sight of your future.
Webweave- Did we really print this garbage? I mean, Uh, COOL CARD AM I RIGHT!
Spreading Plague- Well, someone has to do it and we don't have any death knight classes, why not Malfurion.
Hadronox- It's a Hadronox life for us! *And for him because this card doesn't really work just yet.*
Ultimate Infestation- How to win at Hearthstone, details inside.
Greedy Sprite- Joins the Hoard gang formed by Loot Hoarder and Hogger.
Oaken Summons- When Treebeard showed up he realized his mistake.
Please spend 2 dollars to unlock more patch notes!
Hunter:
The Marsh Queen- Doesn't win you any games but it does make a pro rope each time it is played.
Dinomancy- It's like necromancy but with dinosaurs and who doesn't love dinosaurs. I love dinosaurs, ignore the lizard person standing over my shoulder he's harmless.
Crackling Razormaw - His back hurts from carrying hunter for three expansions. He's really looking forward to that retirement plan in the wild.
SWAMP KING DRED- HE IS THE LAAAW!
Play Dead- Who's a good Arfus, you are!
Toxic Arrow- Removed from the campaign to make our forums more friendly.
Bearshark- A group of thirty or more bearsharks is called a bearsharknado.
Corpse Widow- Did...it marry a corpse? Or is it a corpse and is the widow? Some things are better left unanswered.
Deathstalker Rexxar- Given a restraining order by Death. Must stay 500 feet away from then at all costs.
Abomnidable Bowman- HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Candleshot- Removed for being a fire hazard.
To My Side! But only two of you.
Crushing Walls- Intern tested, Ben Brode Approved.
MAGE:
Open the Waygate- 200% more chance to cause drowning to unexpected magi everywhere.
Primordial Glyph- We heard you liked RNG bro so we added RNG into your RNG and printed more RNG Cards on top of that.
Mana Bind- Removed for not being nearly as effective as binding mana as we hoped.
Meteor- MAGES CAN SUMMON A METEOR! WHY DOES THIS CLASS GET ALL THE COOL THING!
Breath of Sindragosa- It's better left unknown as to how we acquired this one.
Frozen Clone- Knights of the Frozen Clone was the unaired World of Warcraft and Star Wars crossover produced in 2004. It stared Arthas rap battling Darth Vader.
Glacial Mysteries- The only mystery about this card is why it was printed.
Sindragosa- A bit short on breath.
Frost Lich Jaina- I can neither confirm nor deny this is where she's headed in World of Warcraft.
Shifting Scroll- Moved a little to the left.
Leyline Manipulator - Removed and arrested for embezzling mana.
Aluneth- We took a powerful sorcerer, locked them in a staff and then turned them into Jeeves.
Paladin:
Lost In the Jungle: Actually is just about two dudes looking for their car.
The Last Kaleidosaur: If it's the last Kaleidosaur why can everyone get a copy of this card and play it? Maybe it's called that because only one person on ladder is playing buff paladin at any time.
Primalfin Champion- Not Primal, was just hit on the head.
Sunkeeper Tarim- Removed because he didn't keep the suns away enough and we got sunburned. All of us except Brode who wears flannel to protect himself from the suns deadly lazers.
Vinecleaver- It looks more like a club than a sword. How does it cleave vines?
Desperate Stand- Really, call it what it is, a one knight stand.
Uther of The Ebon Blade- Replaced because of the successful campaign to stop the Death Knights from raising him from his grave.
Drygulch Jailor- How many 1/1s can a 1/1 made. A lot apparently.
Benevolent Djinn- You found a genie and all you did was waste that wish on less than a priests 1 mana spell. For shame Paladin, for Shame.
Level up! Isn't this what happened at the end of that movie where dudes looked for their car.
Val'Anyr- Changed to require you to find all the fragments each time it's destroyed. It might take you a while.
Priest:
Binding Heal- Pretty good contractually.
Crystalline Oracle- He can really see the gems hidden inside your opponents decks.
Shadow Visions- Doesn't let you see anything actually. What did you expect, it's shadows.
Tortollan Shellraiser- Good thing that S is there or this guy would have a lot more spikes and unrelated gore.
Free From Amber- If the last four Un'Goro park movies are anything to go by, you probably don't want to do that.
Acolyte of Agony- Not really that agonizing when you gain life from attacking.
Eternal Servitude- Found a clause which requires you to let them go after your third wish. Wasn't that eternal after all.
Devour Mind- With some fave beans and nice Chianti.
Obsidian Statue- So priceless that destroying it causes one of your opponent's minions to sacrifice themselves in shame when it's destroyed.
Psionic Probe- GOTTA MIND READ FAST!
Twilight's Call- And you never answer them.
Psychic Scream- I'd rather it be Pyschic Ice Cream.
Rogue:
Hallucination- See, this is what happens when you mix your poisons.
Biteweed- Also causes Hallucination.
Mimic Pod- Also causes Hallucination.
Sherazin Corpse Flower- Is this on the corpse Widow?
Doomerang- Because regular boomerangs don't instill fear into anyone except drunk Australians.
Leeching Poison- Not a recommended form of healing since the 1800s.
Plague Scientist- Went out on his own after Malfurion fired him.
Spectral Pillager- She doesn't pillage anyone but your dead relatives.
Valeera the Hollow- Much like those chocolate bunnies, filled with disappointment and empty promises.
Kingsbane- Makes Varian Wrynn very nervous looking when on board.
Cheat Death- All you gotta do is beat him at a board game.
Sudden Betrayal- Is it really a betrayal when it's a rogue. It's in the class name.
Elven Minstrel- Totally not a super secret hint towards a new bard class. Totally.
Please Enter 2 more dollars to continue these patch notes!
Shaman:
Unite the Murlocs- Please. Don't.
Hot Spring Guardian- Oh my god he's so hot right now.
Volcano- I take it back, Meteors are cool but shamans can summon a FREAKING VOLCANO! HOW MUCH COOLER CAN YOU GET THAN THAT!
Brrloc- This is what happens when you leave murlocs lying around outside over night.
Ice Fishing- This is how you get Brrlocs.
Ice Breaker- Helped Thrall get a date from Aggra.
Moorabi- Stop trying to make freeze shaman happen, it's not gonna happen Brode.
Unstable Evolution- Totally not a secret hint towards a Hearthstone Un-set. Totally.
Kobold Hermit- You too can donate only 9.99 a month to give kobolds like these a home.
Grumble, Worldshaker- Really the reason the Cataclysm happened. Deathwing just stole all his mad credit.
Warlock:
Bloodbloom- FEED ME SEYMOUR!
Corrupting Mist- The sole reason for the next expansion.
Tar Lurker- Hired by deathstalker rexxar to sneak up on Death.
Cruel Dinomancer- Cruel because he never calls back the dinos he romances. Made Mark Zuckerberg a very sad person.
Sanguine Reveler- Gives you blood a cool glow in the dark effect.
Gnomeferatu- Still better than the ogre chick you met in the bar last night.
Treachery- Shouldn't this be a rogue card?
Unwilling Sacrifice- Refused to will any of his stuff to anyone else. This is what happens when you let Loot Hoarders run rampant.
Despicable Dreadlord- Elmer Fudd Tested, Daffy Duck approved.
Vulgar Homonculus- Had some words he wanted to share with you, but I don't think I'm allowed to say those kind of words.
Cataclysm- If it cost 40 dollars people probably wouldn't have complained as much.
Skull of the Man'ari- WILSOOOOOOON!
Rin, The First Disciple- What is a disc iple anyway?
Voidlord- NEVER TALK TO ME OR MY SONS AGAIN!
Warrior:
Iron Hide- No, I'm not crying. You're crying.
Cornered Sentry- Now more rounded.
Explore Un'Goro- Just don't get lost!
Dead Man's Hand- Just keeps on coming and coming and coming and coming and coming and coming.
Blood Razor- Keeps cutting itself.
Kobold Barbarian- No stop, don't - *You hear the distant sound of face grating against keyboard.*
Woecleaver- Woah Dude.
Please pay 2 dollars to continue reading these patch notes.
Neutral Cards:
Golakka Crawler: Sufficiently full from eating Patches.
Fire Fly: It will end too shortly.
Ravasaur Runt: Bullied by the other dinosaurs :(
Gentle Megasuar: Except this one!
Stegodon: You only see it after a paladin has been nearby.
Hemet Jungle Hunter: We're not sure how he hunts jungles but we're no going to ask with that big gun waving in our face. Just nod and say "You're doing a great job, Hemet."
Ultrasaur: Daddy Long Legs meet Daddy long neck.
Tainted Zealot: NOBODY EXPECTS THE KAL'DOREI INQUISITION!
Drakkari Enchanter: Your end of turn effects trigger twice. Your End of Turn effects trigger twice.
Mind Breaker: Anduins least favorite card.
Corpsetaker: Just don't take the widow!
Saronite Chain Gang: How Long must this go on.
How long must this go on.
How Long must this go on.
How long must this go on.
Please, pay two dollars to stop them!
Bloodworm: Not very good for your blood actually.
Bonemare: Wakes you up all the time!
The Lich King: The CH Is pronounced like a 'K' actually. He just got stuck up north on a dare from Muradin to stick his tongue to the Frozen Throne.
Scorp-O-Matic: Favorite snack is those pesky Annoy-o-trons. HELLO HELLO, GOODBYE!
Shrieking Shroom: Poor Neville, he's passed out again.
Shimmering Courser: A cool idea you've never seen played. Never.
The Darkness: Now properly countered by priests and Paladins mere existence.
Corridor Creeper: Is now hitting the gym to get buff again. Puts up a poster of Molten Giant for motivation.
King Toggwaggle: Now starring King Togwaggle as King Togwaggle.
Bug Fixes:
Hearthstone has been bug free since we called in the fumigator.
pretty funny well done