Hearthpwn

(Yes, these are april fools patch notes. This is done with love to Blizzard and the Hearthstone team, emulating some of the patch notes that WoW has a tradition of doing. I've been doing it for 4 years now and I'm not going to stop any time soon. )

 Patch Build 13.5.1337

 It is time to take a look back at all the recent sets released this year and give them their due respect. But first, we have a VERY IMPORTANT announcement to announcement.

 Hall of Fame:

 Instead of Rotating Baku and Genn like we just announced we decided instead to make them the new evergreen set. That's right. Literally every card aside from Baku and Genn are being released into the wild. We hope this pushes standard in a new direction as you'll be forced to use nothing but Baku and Genn for the remainder of year. Much love from us to you here at Blizzard Entertainment Headquarters.

 General Changes:

 Finally we're adding a long awaited feature to Hearthstone. That's right, the ability to unsquelch yourself! No longer will the player be forced to be silenced by unruly opponents. We put so much effort into those emotes over the years, it's not fair if players can't hear them over and over again.

 We decided to remove all boards aside from the Un'goro one in an effort to promote Ecological awareness Give a little, save some lives today. (Note, this announcement is sponsored by D.E.H.T.A, D.E.H.T.A Keeping your pets encrypted.)

 Also, a missing persons report. Beloved Hearthstone directer Ben Brode has been missing since April of last year, if you see him please take him in and feed him, perhaps give him a card pack to calm the nerves. Then contact your nearest hearthstone representative and we'll get in touch to return him to his home. Ben Brode please come back, we miss you. It's not the same without your boisterous laugh echoing through the money pits of Blizzard headquarters.

 

And onto some very important class changes.

DRUID:

 Witchwood Apples are now poisonous. Anyone eating them will be subject to mild tummyaches and hallucinations. You've been warned.

 The worgen on the furious howl card has been arrested for too many noise complaints. He will spend no less than 7 years in the dog house now.

 Do you hear that? The woods are whispering something. Here let me lean in closer to see what wisdom..oh it's just a yo momma joke. Carry on then.

 Duskfallen Aviana; The card everyone got for free that no one wanted and never sees play.

 Gloom stag seeing a therapist, he's now more of a Happy Stag.

 Disney is proud to announce a Florps Glorious Gloop Remake staring Keanu Leaves. Coming this fall.

 Little did the landscaper know the tress would finally get revenge and cut his hair instead.

 Florbiddinious Floop has been taken to the chocolate room, we're going to get a large stick and fish him out.

 Juicy Psychmelon has been banned from wild. Not cool bro, how am I supposed to get my psych on.

 POUNCE! Nice job kitty catching the little mousey, whose a good kitty you are, yes you are.

 Mark of the Loa is the latest druid named Mark. There sure are a lot of marks around here.

 Predatory Instincts: Arrested for cat-calling.

 Hunter:

 Hunting mastiff-iff-iff-iff.

 A Rat Trap for large rats? How Inhumane! (D.E.H.T.A Can neither confirm nor deny they were the ones who released the rats from their traps.)

 How do you even mong the tox anyway?

 Carrion my Drake Ward son, there'll be poison when you are done.

 Cybertech chip, the latest invention that allows you to, Track your pets, let us track your mobile devices, beam crazy ideas into your brain via satellite, and so much more fun stuff. Enjoy!

Fireworks Tech given multiple violations, now the only boom they'll hear is the clatter of a cell door.

 WELCOME BACK TO GOBLIN PRANKS. Giggles  The only show that lets you dab on your haters as you yeet poor unsuspecting individuals. Haha, I poured green rocket goo on this guy. PRANKED.

 Spider Bomb, a new and improved way to play hot potato!

 Necromechanic. Wouldn't most mechanics who fix machines be bringing them back to life? I'm not sure you really needed a special designation in this case.

Boomaster Flark and his Boom-Zooka are here to save the day folks. That's right. YOU GET A T-SHIRT, YOU GET A T-SHIRT, EVERYONE IS GETTING T-SHIRTS! Note, we are not liable for any damage caused by high powered T-shirt launching.

 Who knew the real Beast Within was just a little indigestion.

 Revenge of the Wild now properly summons random wild minions on board.

 Baited Arrow, POW right into the knee. Now you might be asking yourself, are we really still making arrow in the knee jokes in 2019?..... Well...bye.

 When Zul'Jin swore he could beat you with only just one arm, you didn't take that he meant it literally.

 Mage:

 Archmage Argual, Replaced by Lord Godfrey in accordance with the Cataclysm Update.

 Black Cats are actually good luck for mages. They absorb luck from everyone else and gives it to their master, why do you think Wizards and witches always keep a few around? Magic is nice, but magic with a bit of luck goes farther.

 Bonfire Elementals throw great ragers, but ironically none of them are ever invited.

 Toki has tinkered with time so much that you now just entered an alternate universe where nothing has changed except inexplicably your hair is a slightly darker shade of what it was before. You will be the only one to notice this change.

 You know, Stargazer Luna can see a lot more than stars with that telescope.

 The unexpected results were actually what we expected, we just had to cover it up.

 Meteorologist, predicting weather incorrectly since the dawn of Azeroth Kind.

 The Logistics of Luna's pocket galaxy is better left unexplained.

 Daring Fire Eater doesn't even need to be dared. They just like eating fire.

 She's a maniac, maniac for sure. And she's burning like she never burned before!

 We really regretted rotating ragnaros, that's why Jan'alai exists.

 Paladin:

 The Hidden Wisdom is actually just a receipt from Tigule and Foror's ice cream shop.

 Sound the Bells now gives everyone 10% more tinnitus.

 The Glass Knight, Carefully now she's fragile. Don't want her ruined in shipping.

 Prince Liam: Press [F] To Pay Respects.

 You know, swords made of silver actually aren't very good weapons. That's why ours is made of iron, we just painted it Silver.

 Crystology? NO, you misheard me, this is Chris-ology, the study of all kinds of Chris. You got your Evans, Hemsworth, Pine, Pratt...

 Mechano-egg, because hatching mechanical dinosaurs is the new hot thing on shelves this year and we had to follow the trend.

 Shrink Ray, Finally you know what it feels like to be a gnome. Just like you always wanted.

 WOW! Look at those guys following Krangor over the ridge, it looks to be endless., no no actually it's just three. Three guys following Krangor. That's a lot less scary.

 It's less like being immortal and more like having infinite soulstone resurrections.

 Time Out! "Alright men, listen up we're in the 25^th turn, the enemy has deathwing and all we have are two silver hand recruits, but we can still win this, we just gotta have hope.”

 A New Challenger Approaches, We're proud to announce Uther shines his light down upon the battlefield. Coming to a Super Smash Brothers Ultimate near you soon.™

 Priest

 Karma, Karma, Karma, Karma Chameleos. Cards come and go, cards come and go.

 Divine Hymn, see previous card.

 Vivid Nightmare is a step below the Lucid Nightmare. You can see and feel everything but you have no control.

 Holy Water is actually just some water we spilled a little bit of light into, sorry about that.

 ˙uǝʌǝ ʎʌɹn┴-ʎsdo┴ ʎɐs plnoɔ no⅄ ˙uʍop ǝpᴉsdn os sᴉ ƃuᴉɥʇʎɹǝʌǝ 'ǝpnp ɥɐoM

 Test Subject failed miserably and was held back another year.

 Tired of being only able to hold 2 things at once? WE Got, some extra arms for you. That not enough, then perhaps MORE AMRS will be to your pleasure. 

Reckless Experimenter has an impeccable driving record.

 Zerek's Cloning Gallery, now open in scenic Netherstorm. Be amazed as you and your friends are replicated before your eyes.

 Seance is useful for all those times Medium died turn 1.

 It's less of a surrender to madness and more an embrace.

 Grave Horror: seems like we made GRAVE mistake in printing this card.

 Rogue:

Cheapshot, Sinister Strike, Gouge, Kidney Shot, Vanish...

 You never expected to pick pocket an entire galaxy.

 Blink Fox never actually blinks. It's pretty creepy,

 Face Collectors are like tax collectors but less insidious.

 Attack of the killer pogo hoppers, coming to a theater near you soon.

 You used Academic Espionage and you still barely passed your class.

 Nobody:

Myra's Unsable Element: DRAW THE REST OF YOUR DECK NOW!

 Seerated Blade? More like C-rated am I right.

 Bloodsail Howler. Monkey See, Monkey Pillage.

 Gral the Shark sadly dead from over fishing. (D.E.H.T.A reminds you to fish responsibly.)

 Shaman:

 A wildhammer won't but an Earthen might.

 Totem Cruncher ate all the totem golems in wild causing them to be extinct. As an invasive Species Totem Cruncher had no natural predators. (D.E.H.T.A reminds you to properly give your exotic species a proper home and to not release them into the wild.)

 Hagatha the Witch, invested In at least 2 Black Cats.

 Elementary Reaction has graduated and finally become a Middle Reaction.

 Don't be a Menance, Nimbus.

 Storm Chaser is a dangerous profession. Not advised to go into.

 The Storm Bringer? I KNEW THE GOVERNMENT WAS CONTROLLING THE WEATHER. THAT'S WHY I WEAR MY TIN-FOIL HATS! 

Warbringer, surprisingly less scary than storm bringer.

 Likkim evolved into Likkall.

 Turns out my haunting visions weren't visions at all, just a hallucination from the voodoo.

 It's Raining Toads, hallelujah it's raining toads.

 Warlock:

 Curse of Weakness just throws insults from trolls at you.

 The Ratcatcher has gone missing. (D.E.H.T.A is not responsible for this, we swear.)

 Blood Witch has RH Null, the rarest of conditions.

 Lord Godfrey, remove from Warlock as it was put into Mage.

 Soul Infusion, like putting a new sole into a shoe, but for your soul. 

Spirit Bombs have ghastly consequences and shouldn't be tampered with. 

Doubling Imp: Summon a copy of this minion.

 Doubling Imp: Summon a copy of this minion.

 Eww you got your ectomancy everywhere.

 Shriek, now gives 5% more tinnitus!

 Reckless Diretroll is who you call for a lift when the Reckless experimenter is busy.

 Demonbolt now made of demons instead of fire like the name suggests.

 Should've read the void contract mate, now you're tied to a timeshare in Winterspring for life.

 Warrior:

 Town Crier deemed a wimp by all other warriors.

 It's more a war avenue than a warpath really.

 The woocutters axe is what the Landscaper uses to get revenge.

 Blackhowl gunspire now deals no damage to better reflect its inability to attack.

  I'm not sure you can call handing your enemy a weapon a project, but if the judges agree I'll allow it.

 Teenage Mutant Ninja Dynos, Teenage Mutant Ninja Dynos, Heroes in a half-mech!

 Security Rover has gone offline. Last words, “My battery is low and it’s getting dark.”

 Dr. Boom is more an angry genius than a mad genius really.

 The Boomship! For all your tauren abducting needs.

 Dragon Roar now causes 15% more tinnitus.

 War Master Voone only has an associates degree actually.

 Heavy metal now weighs less.

 Don't Sul'thraze me bro.

 Neutral:

 Baleful Banker doesn't seem that menacing to me. 40% interest rate on loans!? I Take it back, he's very baleful.

 Hench Clan Thug actually has impeccable posture, it's just the name really.

 Nightmare Amalgam: See, every single card.

 Pumpkin Present, where!? Oh...you said peasant.

 Don't be playin' wit' voodoo dolls mon', dey be a gurls toy.

 Mad Hatter no longer consorts with the March Hare due to D.E.H.T.A connections.

 Scaleworm now guesses how much each player weighs.

 Mecharoo is adorable, that's all I wanted to say.

 Upgradeable Framebot to replace Doomfist in Overwatch.

 Bronze Gatekeepers are the real elitists of the mech world.

 Spring Rocket? No I'm more a summer firework really.

 We've lost the loose specimen.

 Star Aligner stuck at rank seven, forever salty.

 All C'thun cards now buff Mecha'thun as well.

 He's not just any Ornery Tortoise...oh wait, yes he is.

 The Amani war Bear is coveted by World of Warcraft players who managed to get it before it was removed.

 Bug Fixes: