Hearthpwn

Update 2018: ALRIGHT DISREGARD EVERYTHING BELOW BECAUSE THE DECK IS NOW ALL WEAPONS THAT'S RIGHT BOYS AND GIRLS BUCKLE YOUR ASSHOLES IT'S GONNA BE A WILD RIDE https://youtu.be/d-wYjQryJN8

 

Disclaimer: This deck is not good. This deck is terrible. You might even say that this deck is horseshit. If you play this deck you will not go up ranks and you will not win very much, but you will have fun, in an angry self-loathing sort of way.

Here is a video showcasing this decks inception, creation and triumphant ladder debut: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E1U39d7aeT0&feature=youtu.be (Warning: this video contains strong language, poor hearthstone decisions and a light sprinkling of destiny)

I present to you MANLY PEMIX, an attempt to make the manliest possible hearthstone deck. Warrior being the most obvious class choice, the aim was to just use loads of weapons, because what could be more manly than hitting them with your face? The answer is nothing, but you knew that already.

 

EXPLANATION OF CARD CHOICES:

Weapons: All of them. I would have put in a second gorehowl but I didn't have enough dust to craft them and I ain't paying money for shit. If you would like to add in another gorehowl then feel free to replace whatever spells or minions you want. This deck is already invincible so more weapons can't possible make it worse.

Inner Rage: Best card in the whole game. 1 damage plus 2 attack equals 3 damage, for 0 mana, and the limit as x tends toward 0 of 3/x is infinity, so Inner Rage has infinite value. It's like a coin except instead of giving you mana it wins you the game, and then has the common courtesy to give you a reacharound.

Nozdormu: Did I hear you say yes? I think what you mean is fuck yes. Nozdormu is unambiguously the best legendary in the game. I have had direct value as a result of his ability in approximately 1 in 50 games. Now if that isn't consistency I don't know what is.  More importantly, the primary benefit of Nozdormu is psychological. 97% of players have never seen this card, so when you play it they immediately question all of their life choices up to that point. Psychology is the most important part of a game of hearthstone. If one moment your opponent thinks you are a cold logical professional, and the next he thinks you are a psychotic madman with no sense of self preservation, how can he possibly win?

Charge/Kor'kron Elite: And that is all there is to say on the matter.

 

MATCHUPS:

Well I played against a mage and I won, so from the sample this deck has 100% win rate against mages. By the magic of extrapolation we can determine its win rate against all the other classes: any given mage's win rate against any given class is probably about 50%, and since this deck has 100% win rate against mage, we can safely state that this deck has 150% win rate against all other classes. I have been assured that this is how numbers work.

 

MULLIGANS 'N SHIT:

Against aggro: Mulligan aggressively for fiery war axe and Nozdormu. Fiery war axe because it is literally impossible to lose if you get fiery war axe in your opening hand, and Nozdormu for shits and giggles.

Against control/tempo/combo/cancer/midrange: see "Against aggro"

 

Finally, you might be wondering why it's called MANLY PEMIX. Well the answer is that typing is hard and I have lazy fingers.

UPDATE: The lack of a second warmaul was obviously a travesty, so I disenchanted all my hunter cards and set to work ruining the current meta. Here is another video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLA0yNwoFpY wherein the deck wins against a rogue and against a poor internet connection, further proving my earlier analysis as to the fact that this deck is invincible.

UPDATE AGAIN: I put in axe flingers, because they fling axes. Then I played a game: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g2Yby12-6xg against a shaman. Since I won against the mage and I won against the rogue in the previous two videos, and I "won" against the shaman in this one, we have even more categorical evidence by which we can conclusively state that this deck is unbeatable.

UPDATE 2016: More weapons. Cursed blade is almost as manly as Clint Eastwood's scrotum, and I was too cheap to craft a second Gorehowl but I found one in a pack, so obviously that shit has to go in. More "winning" happened: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gkO8CkSssEM